if i were a boat would you sail the world with me?

if i were a rocketship would you soar the galaxies?

if i were a promise would you be a keeper?

if i were a flower would you be my rain shower?

sometimes i find words falling out of my mouth

like a rain shower or a ray of light

bringing peace and expressing inner conflict

with every drop i am that much closer to the depth of understanding

i can see my thoughts and ideas

they are clear and make more sense outside of me

moisture fogs up my head, which is in the clouds

but when rain pours doors it becomes something tangible

wetness can be felt and seen 

when i feel as though my brain is about to combust

instead i pour it out

think. pour. write. express. 

if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, i can only conclude that i was not made for here. 

ever since i was young, i have always had paul's words stuck in my head "to live is Christ to die is gain." how true is this? so many people look at death as something negative. me personally, whenever i think about death i get really excited. all of our troubles and worries will be completely gone and we will be living as we were created to live. complete ecstasy and satisfaction. sometimes life is just so hard. i try so much to be a good person. as Rick Warren would say "make God smile." 

destructive. 

man. life is such a burden. pleasing God is such a burden. separation from God is such a burden. sometimes i just wish God could take me now. 

selfish? maybe. but i cant help what i feel. 

maybe my thinking is wrong. maybe a re-evaluation needs to take place. maybe i need some kind of enlightenment from the holy spirit. but there is something so deeply rooted inside of me that i was not made to live on this earth. i was not created live in this world. i was not created to be dealing with the things that i am currently dealing with. its so unnatural. inorganic. forced. there is just so much weight on me, but i have no motivation to overcome it. its like i have become completely numb. nothing makes sense. nothing makes. nothing. life is just so

hard. 

i think so much about all the things i want to do. the person i want to be. how much i want to study. how i want to learn and grow and love people. and then i start doing it. i am excited, i am stoked on life. i have passion and zeal. and then.. it seems as if not moments later. i become exhausted. indifferent. i gave up on the race right after i started. i can't believe i keep doing this. running around and around the mountain but never over it. this isnt who i want to be. 

take me now God. 

completion, why is this such a hard concept for me? i talk the talk, i can look impressive, i can seem like my heart is in the right place, and you know, maybe my heart is in the right place, just my hands arent. my laziness is much stronger then my motivation. how unwise! foolish, if you will. 

but still, even KNOWING that it is unwise and foolish won't give me the motivation to actually sit down and complete the task at hand. i think the things that scares me is commitement. is this really what God wants for my life? is this the plan he has for me? have i jumped the gun? do i want to be in this for the long haul? is there something better out there i could be experiencing? i just dont FEEL like i want to do it. 

its like i have been staring at a blank wall for far to long and i need to discover the forest. 

but if i cant even overcome the small things that God has given me to do how am i going to overcome the big things? do i want to do big things in the world? do i want to make a difference? do i want to touch peoples lives? do i want to know God more and more each day? 

then be faithful with what He has already given me. 

and yet i feel like this is to much. how in the WORLD does this make any sense whatsoever. i feel like i am not communicating clearly. its like i cant put it in words. i have all these concepts and ideas floating around in my head absolutely killing me, but i cant put it down on paper. i wont tell people how i feel. its such a pain to have to pin down these ideas and communicate them with another person. 

how are you doing? good. anything exciting going on in your life? eh, same old. school is good, still getting in the swing of things. 

and thats where it stops. why? pure laziness. its like i am living in an alternate universe and i am so tired i just dont feel like telling people how i feel. its like picking up this huge pile of crap and giving it to someone else. but its all abstract. its all in my head. its like i am physically tired from being emotionally drained. 

but sleep doesn't help.

its like.. wanting so badly to cry but nothing will come up. nothing even matter anymore. again, staring at a blank wall. where is the depth? where is the beauty? am i alive? am i really here? i just want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. and just lay there. for days. however long it takes to remember that thats not the life i want. 

so unwise. 

get behind me satan. this isnt who i am, this isnt who i want to be. i just dont know how to overcome it. this attitude of indifference. trying to make myself look better in front of people. if your in it for yourself its going to be extremely unsatisfying, because in the end no one cares about you. that sounded dramatic. what i mean to say, is that there is only so far a person can go into ones heart. 

but is that even true?

have i just not experienced the kind of friendship where i feel like i am so real with a person that they can literally look into my eyes and see my soul? complete and full exposure to another person. i feel like i have never had that. no one really knows who i am. my flaws. what i am really thinking. why i am really doing things. 

i just want jesus. with all of my heart. i just want him to come and save me. no strings attached. no works attached. completely organic and natural. i want him inside of me. i want to feel him. i want to hear him. i dont want to have to read a book or go to church to experience him. i want him. wholly. completely. in my heart. transform and renew. restore. 

i feel like i just let him down. thats what people tell you. "make God smile" 

who the crap do they think they are. they dont know God. he is so much bigger and incomprehensible then we could ever imagine. why the hell do people think that they could describe God. put him in a box. act like they know all the answers. act like their culture is the best. act like their ideas are the only right ideas. like God only lives in western culture. i can't handle it anymore. i dont want to stare at a blank wall anymore. i want a forest! i want flowers! i want trees! i want beauty! i want architecture! i want depth! screw this christianity that tells you that God is only one way. i want to discover God. i want to search him. i want to be real with people. i want people to know who i really am. 

i want his desires to become my desires. i want my heart to become heart. i want to give him my whole life. 

but i always seem to fail. how in the world can i over come this. 

pray more? fail. 

read more? fail. 

talk more? fail. 

it always comes back to my mistakes and my fallen nature. i need to die. i need to completely die of myself. 

jesus, take me now. 

however, giving up is not an option. things will get better. God loves me. he loves me so much, more then i could ever imagine. 

WHY CANT I TRUST HIM? its like everytime i doubt him it just comes right back around and i regret that i ever doubted him. i hate myself. why do i do that. why cant i be a better person. all i care about is what people think about me, and how people view me. i need complete abandonment. i need to serve. serve. serve. serve. thats the only way i can compensate for my fallen nature. 

these are my prayer and my thoughts. i give them completely up to you jesus. take them and do with them what you will. transform my thoughts and my hearts. renew me. put people in my path to lead me in the right direction. you are so good to me. everytime. i always hate myself for doubting you. i want you. i want you so badly. i want so badly to have you inside of me. in my heart, my soul, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, my conversation. give me strength and renewel. give me a break. give me rest. i am resting completely on you. 

learn

things that i have been learning lately:

there is no such thing as a "radical" christian and a "normal" christian. there is only reasonable Christians and unreasonable Christians. In light of what God has done for us, how can we not wholly surrender our entire lives, minds, actions, thoughts, dreams, visions, relationships, TO HIM. he is the creator of the universe. we were purposed not for this earth, but for eternity with Him. if we truly believed that, why would we not give our lives to him? IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. if we really believed that God became human and walked on earth and showed us the best way to live, why would we not do everything in our power to become more like him and live our lives how jesus lived? if we believe that the God of the universe gave us a WORD aka the bible, why would we not want to read it every single day of our lives?! it just doesn't make sense. if we believe that the bible is truly the inspired word of God and everything in it is true, OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO SURRENDER OURSELVES AS LIVING SACRIFICES. that is the only thing that makes sense really. to put God in the center. with this knowledge, how can we not have joy? we have the hope of glory. the hope of things to come. it really makes you want to live your life differently with a completely different mindset. 

(my thoughts are escaping me)

so apparently people don't like reading my blog. i find this very disheartening. 

What's wrong with me?!

I joke. I really don't expect people to read it.. although I do like to sometimes pretend that they do, and there are randomly people who i pass by who know my inner most thoughts, and we have a deep spiritual connection that goes beyond the physical communication of thoughts. Despite my efforts to be an interesting/artistic person, when down to the core, people don't really care. That is the interesting thing about human existence. We all exist together.. but we live in ourselves. We live in our bodies, in our minds, in our thoughts, in our desires. People are to busy worrying about themselves to realize that everyone else is worrying about themselves as well. What if we lived a day thinking more about another person then ourselves? What kind of change could that bring in our lives? To TRULY spend more time thinking about someone else then ourselves. I am not speaking of a lover, the kind of person that you think about to bring yourself happiness. I am speaking of the kind of thought that has nothing to do with yourself. No strings attached. Completely and utterly given up to another person. To get inside their thoughts, their emotions, their perspective. That would be a mind boggling experience, I am sure of it. I think people could accomplish so much more in their lives if they stopped worried about themselves so much. Loose your life so you can keep it? A deep spiritual truth that can be translated to all different aspects of our lives.  Open your eyes to the things unseen. How many times have we missed out on opportunities to bless and be blessed because we were to busy inside our heads. 

Just let it go. 

I have written a song about this before. I am trying to remember the words but I am finding it hard to concentrate due my background music. Oh I remember. "No ones looking at you know, cause they all focus within, all of us are selfish people and thats how its always. So get inside your disguise so all the world won't see. That your holding on with failing strength to all your empty things." The song is entitled shiny plastic box. I wrote it in an attempt to reconcile feelings of shallowness. How do we explain this huge epidemic within the human race? Human nature is always falling into the pit of ones self. I cannot imagine life without Christ. An entire life time focused completely on the self that lives inside of you? What is there to live for? This reminds me of a Brooke Fraser song.. "There is truth in every corner of our lives. There are hints of it in songs and children eyes. Sounds familiar like an ancient lullaby. What do I life for" Friends. What do we live for. Do we live to fulfill this self living inside of us? Feed its desires? Live entirely inside of our own heads? Praise the Lord for the Lord. Thats all I can say. 

I think that the purpose of expressing our emotions is to feel like there is someone else living inside our heads. When I share a song with someone, I am sharing my inner most thoughts. I am sharing what is constantly on my mind and how I feel about certain people and situations. I think thats why some people are hesitant to share there art, for these two reasons:

(1) people wont like what's in their head (rejection)

(2) they don't want anyone to share their thoughts/emotions/feelings. 

Some people like to live alone. Inside their head. Knowing that no one else can see how they feels. OTHERS however, THRIVE off of the idea of sharing what they know and feel. They can't stop talking to people about what's going on inside of their head. This leads me to my biggest fear: liars. I cannot stand it when people cannot express how they truly feel about something or someone. I can never figure out who they are, how they think, and if they can be trusted. To not know what is going inside a persons head, is to not know a person. Because what is inside their head is who they are. 

As a man thinks, so is he. 

You are what you think. A word turns into a thought. A thought turns into an action. An action then affects people around you. Which plants a thought in someone else's head. And the cycle continues. I am starting to realize how prominent cycles are. They are everywhere. You cannot escape cycles and so many people have been subject to the cycle that they have already been thrust in. This is very sad to me. BREAK THE CYCLE for goodness sake. Be new, be different, be creative, be original. As much as I say this, however, I know that sometimes cycles are inevitable and unable to be stopped or altered. I feel like I need more examples to back up my ideas. I will work on that, no worries. 

So whoever is listening, for the imaginary person that lives inside my brain, I would like to say thank you. Even if you are not real, I now have the ability to walk around under the allusion that someone understands what is going on inside my head. I wish people could just start caring about what other people are thinking. 

I will guess I will start by changing me. How ironic. 

 

au revoir

music is my boyfriend

au revoir simone is my new favorite musical group. they create a delicious fusion of electronic melodies, beats, and rhythms, all while painting images of natural and far away places, like the future just came and went and we have gone back to the beginning of the earth. the conceptual understanding that the right mixture of sounds can conjure up imagines of  material and ethereal places and moments in time continues to spark interested and adoration towards the creator of it all. how do our minds work? 

parallelism through the use of imagery, in my world, is the only efficient way to accurately describe how music makes me feel. a single collection of notes can create a sound that paints a picture within an instant. describe the picture, understand the music. the window to the psychological world has been opened and one is able to explore new, unfamiliar places.

your brain, although inside your skull, has the ability to go places where your body has never gone. freedom from the body and matter. why do some people enjoy particular music while other don't? people are different. some music will take people to good places. some music will take people to places they would rather not go. some music will take certain people-nowhere. where do you want to go? listen to the music that will take you there.

there's not right or wrong answer when it comes to musical creativity and illusion. and thats the beauty of it all. 

my world is getting larger. 

jesus be the center. jesus be the seed. just like a tree, grow inside of me. be the root of it all. causing me to bear good fruit and increase your kingdom. if i am building on your foundation, i will not fail and i cannot fall. 

expand your circle of love. 

broaden your circle of influence. 

stretch. 

• "How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!
• Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you? 
• The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. 
• Christ redeemed us from that self-defeating, cursed life by absorbing it completely into himself. "

 - paul