if i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, i can only conclude that i was not made for here. 

ever since i was young, i have always had paul's words stuck in my head "to live is Christ to die is gain." how true is this? so many people look at death as something negative. me personally, whenever i think about death i get really excited. all of our troubles and worries will be completely gone and we will be living as we were created to live. complete ecstasy and satisfaction. sometimes life is just so hard. i try so much to be a good person. as Rick Warren would say "make God smile." 

destructive. 

man. life is such a burden. pleasing God is such a burden. separation from God is such a burden. sometimes i just wish God could take me now. 

selfish? maybe. but i cant help what i feel. 

maybe my thinking is wrong. maybe a re-evaluation needs to take place. maybe i need some kind of enlightenment from the holy spirit. but there is something so deeply rooted inside of me that i was not made to live on this earth. i was not created live in this world. i was not created to be dealing with the things that i am currently dealing with. its so unnatural. inorganic. forced. there is just so much weight on me, but i have no motivation to overcome it. its like i have become completely numb. nothing makes sense. nothing makes. nothing. life is just so

hard. 

i think so much about all the things i want to do. the person i want to be. how much i want to study. how i want to learn and grow and love people. and then i start doing it. i am excited, i am stoked on life. i have passion and zeal. and then.. it seems as if not moments later. i become exhausted. indifferent. i gave up on the race right after i started. i can't believe i keep doing this. running around and around the mountain but never over it. this isnt who i want to be. 

take me now God. 

completion, why is this such a hard concept for me? i talk the talk, i can look impressive, i can seem like my heart is in the right place, and you know, maybe my heart is in the right place, just my hands arent. my laziness is much stronger then my motivation. how unwise! foolish, if you will. 

but still, even KNOWING that it is unwise and foolish won't give me the motivation to actually sit down and complete the task at hand. i think the things that scares me is commitement. is this really what God wants for my life? is this the plan he has for me? have i jumped the gun? do i want to be in this for the long haul? is there something better out there i could be experiencing? i just dont FEEL like i want to do it. 

its like i have been staring at a blank wall for far to long and i need to discover the forest. 

but if i cant even overcome the small things that God has given me to do how am i going to overcome the big things? do i want to do big things in the world? do i want to make a difference? do i want to touch peoples lives? do i want to know God more and more each day? 

then be faithful with what He has already given me. 

and yet i feel like this is to much. how in the WORLD does this make any sense whatsoever. i feel like i am not communicating clearly. its like i cant put it in words. i have all these concepts and ideas floating around in my head absolutely killing me, but i cant put it down on paper. i wont tell people how i feel. its such a pain to have to pin down these ideas and communicate them with another person. 

how are you doing? good. anything exciting going on in your life? eh, same old. school is good, still getting in the swing of things. 

and thats where it stops. why? pure laziness. its like i am living in an alternate universe and i am so tired i just dont feel like telling people how i feel. its like picking up this huge pile of crap and giving it to someone else. but its all abstract. its all in my head. its like i am physically tired from being emotionally drained. 

but sleep doesn't help.

its like.. wanting so badly to cry but nothing will come up. nothing even matter anymore. again, staring at a blank wall. where is the depth? where is the beauty? am i alive? am i really here? i just want to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. and just lay there. for days. however long it takes to remember that thats not the life i want. 

so unwise. 

get behind me satan. this isnt who i am, this isnt who i want to be. i just dont know how to overcome it. this attitude of indifference. trying to make myself look better in front of people. if your in it for yourself its going to be extremely unsatisfying, because in the end no one cares about you. that sounded dramatic. what i mean to say, is that there is only so far a person can go into ones heart. 

but is that even true?

have i just not experienced the kind of friendship where i feel like i am so real with a person that they can literally look into my eyes and see my soul? complete and full exposure to another person. i feel like i have never had that. no one really knows who i am. my flaws. what i am really thinking. why i am really doing things. 

i just want jesus. with all of my heart. i just want him to come and save me. no strings attached. no works attached. completely organic and natural. i want him inside of me. i want to feel him. i want to hear him. i dont want to have to read a book or go to church to experience him. i want him. wholly. completely. in my heart. transform and renew. restore. 

i feel like i just let him down. thats what people tell you. "make God smile" 

who the crap do they think they are. they dont know God. he is so much bigger and incomprehensible then we could ever imagine. why the hell do people think that they could describe God. put him in a box. act like they know all the answers. act like their culture is the best. act like their ideas are the only right ideas. like God only lives in western culture. i can't handle it anymore. i dont want to stare at a blank wall anymore. i want a forest! i want flowers! i want trees! i want beauty! i want architecture! i want depth! screw this christianity that tells you that God is only one way. i want to discover God. i want to search him. i want to be real with people. i want people to know who i really am. 

i want his desires to become my desires. i want my heart to become heart. i want to give him my whole life. 

but i always seem to fail. how in the world can i over come this. 

pray more? fail. 

read more? fail. 

talk more? fail. 

it always comes back to my mistakes and my fallen nature. i need to die. i need to completely die of myself. 

jesus, take me now. 

however, giving up is not an option. things will get better. God loves me. he loves me so much, more then i could ever imagine. 

WHY CANT I TRUST HIM? its like everytime i doubt him it just comes right back around and i regret that i ever doubted him. i hate myself. why do i do that. why cant i be a better person. all i care about is what people think about me, and how people view me. i need complete abandonment. i need to serve. serve. serve. serve. thats the only way i can compensate for my fallen nature. 

these are my prayer and my thoughts. i give them completely up to you jesus. take them and do with them what you will. transform my thoughts and my hearts. renew me. put people in my path to lead me in the right direction. you are so good to me. everytime. i always hate myself for doubting you. i want you. i want you so badly. i want so badly to have you inside of me. in my heart, my soul, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, my conversation. give me strength and renewel. give me a break. give me rest. i am resting completely on you.